Plan of God

It has been one year, six months, and 10 days since I have last posted on this blog. If you were to ask me before why I stopped, I would have probably said it's because life got ahead of me and I had no time. If I was being honest, I would say it is because when I first created this blog, I was still afraid of being vulnerable. I made every excuse possible of why I couldn't write something for my blog. But now, I am back and ready, with God always by my side!

Let me begin by re-introducing myself: My name is Joanna Melendez (Carrasco) and I am the creator of this blog, Dependent on God. Within this past year and a half, I got engaged, graduated college with my Bachelor's in Social Work, got married, and earned a full-time job at the college I graduated from! These are the highlights. Some down-lights (?), I battled with my identity, in this case, from being student to graduate. I struggled with sadness and anger due to this identity crisis and I had fear overcome me once again.

IDENTITY

This word has been my worst enemy. I have been struggling with my identity since MY plans for graduate school did not work out. I was accepted to NYU for Master's of Social Work a couple of months before I graduated with my Bachelors, with a $17,000 academic scholarship. I was overjoyed and I began the process of applying for financial aid, more scholarships, and classes. It all seemed to go smoothly, for the time being. I ended up graduating, finished the final touches for my wedding which was three weeks after I graduated, got married, and went on my honeymoon, not at all worried about what was going to hit me next...

When I got back from my honeymoon, I got my "final" bill for the semester, and all I had to pay was $2,000 per semester. When I saw that, I thought to myself "I've paid off more for my undergrad! I got this." A couple of weeks later I got emails after emails. First, my financial aid was declined. I thought to myself, "Okay, I can fix this." Then, my TAP wasn't accepted. "I can still fix this," I thought. Finally, in the beginning of August, I got the email that I was not awarded any of the scholarships I applied for. After that email, my real bill came with a grand total of $14,000 per semester, almost $30,000 a year. I bawled my eyes out for the rest of the day, during work with my coworker and my boss, at home with my husband, and in the middle of the night.

"What did I do wrong," I thought.

The next day, I withdrew from NYU and applied to another Master's program, as a last ditch effort since school was starting in three weeks. Within those three weeks, I completed my application, got my recommendations, and was in close contact with financial aid. But, I heard nothing back from the school. It was until the last week of August, I decided to officially not return to school, and again, I sobbed my eyes out. I have been in school for 23 years (Pre-K, Elementary, Middle, and High School, Community College, and College.) I never took a break from school, I never stopped going to school. Making this decision to not go to school at all, it felt like my IDENTITY was taken away. Then, my husband sent me this verse from Proverbs 19:21:

"Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Again, I cried. Looking back, I realized that I was trying to take control of everything and NOT ONCE did I pray to God to see if this was His purpose and plan. With every stumbling block, I tried to lift myself up, without the help of God. I identified with school instead of identifying with Christ. That is where I made a major mistake.

I had all these plans. I was going to go back to school, get my Master's of Social Work from NYU in one year, graduate, and get a social work job. However, those weren't the plans God had for me. His plan for me was to identify myself with Him again, and no one else. Not school, not my husband, not my family, just HIM.

God has a plan for every single one of us. It is through His grace that He chooses to have a plan for us. Our purpose is already predestined, all we need to do is to submit and surrender to God's will. And that's exactly what I am doing. I have realized how much I identified with school, how I was always the one who had to achieve the most because I am the only one of 4 daughters that is able to go to college. What I didn't realize is how much pressure that put on me and how I view myself. But that is not how God views me. God views me as His daughter in Christ, and in Him, I am able to find my identity.

For anyone who is struggling with their identity, who is struggling to trust in God because their plan is not going accordingly, remember, your plan is already predestined and where you are now is where God wants you to be. We are His chosen people. If you have a plan that isn’t working, instead of forcing it, spend some time with God praying for guidance and revelation. If God reveals your plan is in accordance to His will for you, then you need to have faith and perseverance. If it isn’t in His purpose, LET IT GO and move on to God’s plan that always succeeds. As humans, we want to take control but we have to remember that God has full control, we just have to surrender and submit. As soon as we do that, we are reminded that we are not alone, God is always with us.